Cell Phones, Soul Caliber 2, and Squall Leonhart
by Pocky Addicted Squffie
Summary: Teaser: With the Sexy Squall as Yuffie's new step brother, she finds a way to release some unwantedpent up sexual tension! And what better way than taking her frustrations out on a few suckers and making a buck or two? Or seventyfive? Uhoh! Squffie time!
1. Chapter 1: Crumble

Pocky Addicted Squffie Presents

Cell Phones, Soul Caliber 2, and Squall Leonhart.

Kingdom Hearts

Teaser: With the Sexy Squall as Yuffie's new step brother, she finds a way to release some pent up sexual tension! And what better way than taking her frustrations out on a few suckers and making a buck or two? Or seventy-five? Uh-oh! Squffie time!

A/N: Okay. Warning, further on this may contain Squincest. LMAO. D I heart you Jess. But like. Nothing vulgar, just some suggestive themes, mild swearing, odd situations and over all randomness! Enjoy, and be nice! I also made a new account where this Story will be moving in three days. Once i'm able to post.

Disclaimer; I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Yuffie or Squall. If I did own Squall however he'd be tied up in my closet. Lucky him I'm a poor non-red-headed step-child!

"I'm only gonna say it once. I am the world's sexiest-greatest-most desirable-female ninja! Ever. To like walk this planet and all that jazz. " Yuffie smiled at her reflection via the small bathroom mirror that was hers. Well. Once hers. By 'once' of course it meant her once two person family turned four. At that simple thought Yuffies once cheerful slightly creepy give-me-your-damn-money-right-now-or-i'll-open-a-can-of-five-hundred-year-old-chinese-whoopass-on-you-don't-believe-me?-grin turned into a small scowl.

It had happened a few days ago. Yuffie had been minding her own buisness sitting in front of the tube, watching saturday night live in her tighty-whities munching on cheetohs and chugging down the mountain dew. God. That stuff was like a drug. Anyways, her dad Gado barged through the door giggling like a maniac with some female friend. Of course he was drunk, he made it his own little ritual to hit every sake bar by the end of the summer. And what better way then going to three every saturday?

Well. Yuffie didn't care, she could con money out of him easily that way. All she had to do was say she was going to pay the bills, and the stupid intoxicated oaf, (not that she didn't love her father, she just liked getting money out of people. Nevermind the fact that she was indeed a kelpto-maniac and all that.) gave her like three hundred to five hundred dollars. Heheeh. So she coud overlook it if he went and did only god knows what with some chick in the house.

As long as she wasn't here. Turning her head upwards she shut the TV off frowning as she kneeled on the said object, her head peeking out from behind the couch with a frown on her face.

"Dad." She stated, having to repeat it a kajillion times for him to just look at her. Okay. NOT a kajillion. Try like...two.

"You're SO not respecting my boundries. We already had the whole 'eel in the cave' conversation like, three times and how it's fine for your eel to visit a cave as long as I'm not within three miles of the vicinity. " Yuffie said it rather calmly clicking her tongue against the roof of her mouth like this was the billionth time she had this conversation with him. The poor woman, who was incredibly small and petite compared to her ogre of a father, turned a strawberry color at Yuffie's rather..blunt explanation of how she didn't want them two having sex in the same house as her.

"Yuuuufffie..."He slurred grinning, obviously beyond his alcohol intake limit, "This is Raaaiiiinneeeee." The small woman giggled like a fool beneath her hand, most certainly drunk as hell.

"Oh my god. How the hell did you get here! You both are freaking foxed as hell! You could've DIED? Where would I have been then you inconsiderate jerk!" Yeah. Yuffie's screaming was just her way of showing concern for her father,even if the words came out in a selfish-sounding-mess. Involuntarily she got to her feet, exposing her naked legs and stomach and little white boxer shorts.

"Squall drove us home." Raine piped up, smiling at Yuffie. Of course, Yuffie wasn't looking at her face. But instead at her clothes. Who the hell wears a yellow sweater and jeans in the middle of freaking June? Blinking at this trying to make logical sense of this womans freaking clothes, she didn't notice a young man enter the room. That is until he spoke.

Her eyes fluttered up to the mans as she blinked stupidly at his handsome face, the lower half of her body disapearing behind the couch, leaving only her little green T-shirt exposed. He had nice eyes, an iced over blue, ...hair too. It was almost chestnut colored and even feathered!

Raine went to his side, "This is Squall! See, he drove us home? Peeeerfectly sober!" She waved her hand in front of his face giggling. Yuffie couldn't help but note that he was wearing a black shirt that hugged his upper frame quiet nicely accompanied by blue jeans.

Hell. This strange man drove her parents to this house, maybe he was a rapist! OH MY GOD.Her dad let some strange-sexy-ass-guy drive him and his giggling hussie back here! What if he like molested her? ...Okay. With that kind of body and face, Yuffie really wouldn't complain. She flushed at that thought watching the young man sigh dejectedly.

Yeah, if the guy named Squall wasn't currently in the room she would've slapped the little chick for calling this place her home. Dood, really now! This place wasn't open to strangers for Leviathans-sake! Ooh...he even had a scar. Kinkeh. Hehehe.

Squall flicked his blue eyes over at the young figure on the couch, "You told me I had a sister. Not a brother." he stated rather than inquired, his hand entangled in the mess of brown tresses that framed his face nicely.

Oh HELL no. He did SO not just call me a man! Yuffie thought bitterly, grinding her teeth hard as a cat-like hiss escaped her mouth.

But before Yuffie could jump out and start cussing him out in her native Wutain tongue, the small petite lady slapped his shoulder with almost no force whatever. Yuffie just bit back a chuckle, did that woman really think that'd do anything?

"Squall Leeeeeoooonhart! "She slurred out. God. After witnessing this, Yuffie was most definitley not drinking. Who wanted to sluurrrr like you couldn't talk straight. That wouldn't keep her from getting Sora and Roxas drunk for a few hilarious reasons. One they were brothers. And two, Roxas had mistaken Sora for a girl on one too many occasions. Wait. Did that small lady just say something again-Speaking of which, what was her fathers OBSESSION with tiny women? I mean Gawd really-

Wait, Surprise?

"You ruiiined theeee surprissseeeee...And Yufffiiiiies a giiirl! Looooook."She giggled crazily, and Yuffie stared as the drunken mad woman swayed over to her and took her pale skinny arm lifting her up over the damn couch. What the HELL? This woman was like some dominating muscle bound chick! Yuffies small buttox and waist were exposed. Okay.

They felt exposed, even if they were covered with underwear, but was it REALLY necessary for the small woman to accidentally push her over the end of the couch causing Yuffie to face plant? Most definitley not. Holding her hand to her face, Yuffie made a mental note to not piss this woman off. Or get her drunk for that matter.

"I stand corrected."Squall said with a faint grin on his lips as he looked down. Ew. Okay. The man was a creep. She felt really exposed. "Could you be more modest next time, I'm not into Jail Bait."

Yuffie lifted her head, glaring at the man who was no longer looking at her but instead at Raine. Damn. He was tall. But she could SO take him! All she had to do was throw that woman at him...if she could get the girl up, and Squall'd be knocked out cold. Yeah. It was one thing to call her a boy, it was another to call her a little kid! She was seventeen damnit!

Slowly the dialogue from this entire event began to sink in. "WHAT THE HELL! SISTER? I AM SO NOT YOUR SISTER? THIS IS NOT YOUR HOUSE? WHAT DAMN SURPRISE? MY BIRTHDAY WAS LAST WEEK! OH MY GOD I AM SO CONFUSED!" Yuffie practically jumped to her feet screaming at everyone, as she held her nose in fear of it bleeding.

Gado just smiled at her giggling. OH hell. That was incredibly creepy. He. Giggled. "Yuuuufffiiieee, Raaaiiine is going to beeee your new mooother, and Squall is yourrrr steeeeeeep brooootheeeer..."

_Shit. Why didnt' I notice the matching rings on their fingers? What the hell? He can't get married! That's totally dishonoring mom...this is SO a dream! AHA. Yes. Yes it is!_

Yuffie smiled a bit crazily as the others, except for Squall, smiled at her sweetly. That was until Yuffie took her hand up and started biting it repeatedly.

That's just about when Yuffie's felt the world come crashing down, the reality she knew crumbling beneath her feet. Of course, she never thought that it'd just continue to get more complicated, no longer just living with a dominatrix like woman and a man she hated. Nothing can ever stay simple.

A/N: Okay. I absolutley loved writing this! So please, ;; No flames, okie? I love Reviews though! D Reviews equal more chapters! I have enough planned out. I need some feedback though! So please. Review. REVIEW BY GOD.


	2. Chapter 2: Sasuke could kick your ass!

A/N: I'm back! WIth chapter two! On the same day! Gasp Well, I tried to make this chapter the same length, I hoped it turned out right!

Disclaimer; I don't own this! I own the idea. Even if it is like Marmalade Boy. -.-

Oh! Review and get Squalls undies!

Chapter 2: Sasuke could so kick your ass.

After the flash back of the awful incident that put her into her current situation Yuffie's face contorted into rage. Despite the look, those smirking eyes of hers never lost their gleam.Why you may ask? Well ho-ho! That's because she was plotting. Continuously. Even now as her boyishly cut hair framed that childish face of hers, (which was great for getting away with thinsg! What? Her steal YOUR cookie? While you were looking no less? Impossible! What...chocolate smeared on her face. Oh shit...) and her hands clenched the egg shell colored counter until her knuckles bled.

_Wait..can knuckles even bleed from strength? _Yuffe thought absent mindedly as her eyes shifted down to her own hands, wondering if they might possibly bleed if she continued to death grip the counter.

_Whatver. NO! Ew! No. Grossness! NOT whatever! That's what IT says! Yeah. THAT IT. THE most LOTHESOME creature in existance! The THORN in my paw, while i'm without mouse to help me! The snake in-_

"Is that a Naruto headband." A monotone voice stated somewhere within Yuffie's personal space bubble. He was referring to the Naruto headband with the leaf village insigna, which she wore beneath her hair. Yes. It was lopsided on purpose. Duh.

"Yes. Yes it is!" She hissed not moving her eyes from their place on her hands. _Damn him. Interrupting my private ranting section like that! Shit. Can't he see i'm angstle today!_ Yuffie looked at herself in the mirror, the tall man towering behind her, causing her facial expression to become even more angered even after her mental outburst. Of course, leave it to Squall to say the exact word that described her expression.

"Yuffie...are you constipated?" The brown haired man said suddenly, choking back laughter. Ooh she could hear it.

Okay. Not really. But she could SMELL it! He was taunting her. Ohoh yes. He purposely shaved using Axe so that the after scent would have her giddy.He would so NOT win her over! She would not give into the scented shaving cream! NEVER! She was a NINJA damnit!

"I AM not! And what the hell do you care, anyways!" She screamed ina rage, her hands torn from the sink...(were those fingernail impressions? Oh. Nevermind...) ready to exit in all her tantromy-mood-swingy-glory. But instead having her nose come within a milli-inch of a handsomely defined chest. A nakey one at that!

_Materia, la la! I love you! Shiny and circular! La la! Joyous love of miiine! La la! Objects of myy affections! Shit. Okay. that is SO not helping right now! DAMN YOU FEMALE HORMONES! DAMN YOU! _Gulping ferociously and flushing, her now seemingly gold fish sized eyes movedu pwards to meet stealy grey.

"I don't, "He replied smoothly his right hand moving as though to wrap around the skinny ninja's waist, his head tilting down to the side slowly.

_OHMYFREAKINGGOSHWHATTHEHELLLHEISGOINGTOKISSMEOHMIGEHADHSHFAF! NO! LOATH. HATE...he smells really good. Wait. Maybe I should open my eyes. I think he's kissing me. I mean. Something is definitley touching my lips. I should probably open them now. _

Mumble. Mumble. Mumble.

_What? AAHHH! HOLY SHIT. I CAN'T SEE! Ohmigawd. I'll never be able to pwn Sora's ass in Bloody Roar 3 Again! I'm blind! Oh. Those were just my hands. Covering my eyes. Hehehee...Sillly me._

_Oh yeah. Didn't Squall say something?_

"Whaaaaat?" Yuffie droned dumbly, well mumbled. Her lips were in fact crushed against his well toned arms.

_Damnit. So much for him forcefully kissing me, my screaming rape and him getting put in jail...Shit. What does this guy do? Push-ups with his flipping pinky?_

"I said. You're in my way. "Squall replied as his arm retracted back from around her, the item of his choice in his hand. A toothbrush. He peered down at her a slight smirk on his face. "Are you going to stand there and watch me, or actually go do something with your time?"

Yuffie didn't answer but instead shot him a glare, sticking her tongue out childishly. This of course/after/ her lips were off his arm. Growling she exited the bathroom as the man chuckled muttering something.

She twitched hissing at the words, "Stupid girl."

_I guess that's an improvement from boy...but not much of a big one. OHGOD. Dad. WHY did you have to walk into that Pub! Of ALL the ones in our district, whyyyyyyy...? Well. Erm. Anyways. Where was I? OH YEAH. The thorn in my paw! Without mouse to help me! The snake in my tropical paradise of Eden! Hmm..that didn't help much._

Yuffie groaned, dragging herself back to her room and throwing herself onto her futon. God. Her life had been a living hell since her father picked up that damn woman Raine. He had actually been seeing her for awhile, much to Yuffie's dismay he never even mentioned it before that night.

Everyone else thought she had it pretty good, really, an incredibly hot step-brother and everything. Well. It wasn't what it was cracked up to be! Frankly. She wanted to crawl under a hole and die.

_Wait...under a hole..I wonder if that's possible...under...a..hole. AH, forget it! Ugh. I am soo not going to loose to him!_

By lose, she meant feel attracted. Dear god. That man, ever since he moved in, had been toying with her hormones like a damned puppetteer. Wether it be something as simple as the bathroom scene, or teasing her about looking like a boy and if her boyfriend was gay.

_Riku. Was SO not gay. I swear to God. I'm going to kill that man for calling Riku gay..not to mention me a boy. Being short. Flat-chested. Okay, he didn't SAY that, but /so/ hinted at it. That and along with being a little kid. GOD I'm almost his age! ...Okay. I'm almost eighteen. What the hell is a twenty-one year old man still living with his mom for?_

Oh yeah. She forgot. The stupid prick had to be all sweet to his mom. He took care of the bills for her, and health insurance.

_GOSH DAMNIT! Why can't I find a /good/ reason to hate him! Well. Picking on me is a good enough one but uuugghh...why is he soo damn perfect! I can't even hate him for going out with a slut, because he doesn't even date! ooh...maybe he's gay. Okay. Scratch that. He's too mean to be gay. _

Of course Yuffie was too busy to notice the presence in her doorway, she was mumbling and groaning until he finally interrupted her.

"Done yet. "His deep voice asked from the doorway, his blue eyes not even bothering to look around her room, but just stay plastered on her figure. His arms were folded across his chest which was covered in a white T-shirt. The rest of his attire consisting of black pants.

Yuffie just turned her head to glare at him. She however was in tanned khaki shorts and a green tank-top, her hair messed up over her Naruto Headband.

"If Sasuke was my boyfriend, I'd have him kick your ass." She said softly.

"Sasuke's a pansy."Squall replied swiftly with a grin, "Itachi would win." Yuffie's eyes widened, he actually knew about the show!

"Now if you're done sulking, get up. We're going somewhere." He turned around to leave.

Yuffie got up, her legs folded across her bed indian style as she stared at him, "Go where!"

Squall looked back at her in an almost disgusted manner, 'It's your fathers birthday tomorrow. Shit, Yuffie. You suck as a daughter."

Oh snap. Okay, so it was kinda true. I mean Yuffie didn't even know her own dad's birthday. That was kinda pathetic. But he didn't have to say it!

"NO! I knew that! I just...wait ya know. He's your dad too, and all." She scoffed getting to her feet her fingers automatically beginning to comb her messed up hair.

"I'm keeping my last name. I already have a Father." With that he exited, shouting one last time over his shoulder, "Hurry up. It's not like brushing your hair will fix your face or anything."

Yuffie glared at the man. Ooh he was dead. "Sasuke would SO kick your ass!" And with that, she ran out of her bedroom door after him.

Normally she'd stay home, but frankly. She actually forgot to get something for her dad's birthday.

-End chapter two-

A/N: Ahaha! I loved that chapter. XD I had most of it already written down but I had to fill in the rest. I hope you guys liked it, it wasn't too short right? Also, Review! Thank you to the following people for their lovely reviews!

Thankies:

Jess!

YuffieRoxs!

I heart you. D


	3. Chapter 3: Pandora's shiny box!

A/N: Alright guys i'm back! Eepskies. I've noticed a tad more spelling errors then I remembered counting in the last chapters. Sadly, my computer recently crashed and I'm a bit too lazy to retrieve the file and edit it. So...just ignore it alrighty?

Irk. One hundred forty eight people red this story so far, and only four have reviewed. That upsets me! Like, grr your soul is mine! Upsetting. Ah well, you don't /have/ to review, but...but..if you like it, fave it okay? Sniff It makes me smile!

Anyways. I didn't really know where I was going with this chapter, so sorry if it drags a little bit. Or is incredibly random.

Disclaimer: Yadda, yadda. Not mine. Hmph.

Chapter three: Pandora's oh-so shiny box!

Yuffie blinked dumbly around the dimly lit shop, her grey eyes having to reach the size of saucers in order to function properly. Why was she here again with the monster of a step-brother, who wouldn't really be a step-brother, for another month or so?

Oh yeah. A gift.

_Shit. No wonder I'm cursed like this. Yeah. That's it. This is all just some horrible plot to make me go insane for forgetting the old-farts birthday! Haha! I won't give into your ploy...well. Squall has been rather nice today...it's like...a whole different side of him I've never seen before! WAIT. What am I saying! IT is a monster. A horrible monster who will devour your soul when you're not looking!_

_...A very..very...sexy monster._

Yuffie looked up at the man who oh-so-spectacularly surpassed her in height. She frowned at the quizical expression on his face, he had really been nice to her today. Well. Nicer than normal. He even hinted at a compliment. Well. Almost anyways.

Maybe instead of seeing a new side of him, she was really just noticing every aspect of his personality. Well. The ones she chose to ignore the moment he called her a boy and jail bait.

_Anyways, as I was saying...OHMIGAWD! SHINY! _A glint caught Yuffie's eyes, her head nearly snapping in the direction of a small box that seemed to almost glow with reflecting light. In other words: It was shiny. Really, really shiny.

Of course this made Yuffie giggle insanely, causing the shop keeper and Squall to stare at her as though she were a freak. Then again, maybe she was. After all, who snuck up on an item at an antique shop? ...Well, her obviously, and possibly a few others. But perhaps the humming of a mission impossible theme and the ducking and rolling across the carpet every now and then... was a bit much.

_Woah snaps. I have got to have this box! It'd be like perfect for storing goodies in it. Like materia. I mean. Shiny-on-shiny. How kinky is that? Or maybe candy. Hey, I wonder if this box'll make candy shiny. Can candy be shiny? I mean sure gumballs are shiny, but can the wrappers be shiny? Well...some wrappers are shiny, but the shitty not-cool-generic-piece-of-shit-gum wrappers..._ Grinning ear to ear she continued to stare at the box. It was kinda old looking, but still. It was Shiny. That was what mattered! Ho-ho!

Yet still, the scream that escaped Yuffie's lips the moment she opened the box was all but expected.

"OHMYFREAKINGODWHATTHEHELL! I'MBLINDICAN'TSEE!OHSHITSQUALLI'MSUINGTHISDAMNPLACEGETMEALAWYERLIKERIGHTNOW.GARBLEHUBBLEFLARGESHIMERLEVIATHANBYGODMEYYEEEEEEEEEEESS!" Squall winced as the small girl fell backwards the moment the lid was open.

What was inside that thing? Oh. It was a light up box. How...original...wait what the hell? Light up BOX? Who thought of this twisted shit?

Still. The man couldn't help but laugh as Yuffie spun around in circles on the ground, (positioned on her side no less!) her hands clamped over her eyes while screaming the same phrase repeatedly.

"MY EYES. OH MY FREAKING GOD. MY EYES! I'm BLIND. Holy. SHIT. I'll never be able to have babies now that i'm blind!" Sure. Yuffie's logic was a bit off, but still. It was humorous. Well, it'd be more humorous if her ear-piercing whailing could be controlled.

"Yuffie, is that you?" A young womans voice asked tentively from above. It was kind and motherly sounding.

"Yes. When you hear the beep, please record your message. Beeeep." Yuffie sat up, laughing at her own stupid joke, which no one else found funny. Luckily enough, the woman known as Aeris, (Who Yuffie was able to identify once her hands were off her eyes.) was kind enough to laugh.

"So, watcha doing here?" Yuffie inquired, jumping to her feet kinda forgetting Squall was there. And in the process of watching the two with mild interest.

"Yuffie.."The girl made a 'tsk' sound, her hands on her hips which were currently covered by a pink dress. "do you really listen to anything I say? I work here! I'm worried about you, and why were you screaming like th-"She cut herself off mid sentence, finally noticing the man behind her friend. Well near her at least.

She frowned thoughtfully while Yuffie just arched a brow confused before her wrist was in a death grip, and her body was being propelled foreward by the much taller girl.

"Yuffie!"Aeris hissed into her ear, sounding angry.

_Wait...Aeris could actually GET angry! Shit. _Yuffie thought to herself while the petite lady started ranting. Which the easily distracted ninja only caught bits and pieces of.

"What do you think you're doing off on your own with a man of that age!"

_Heeey...a butterfly! Wow. It's like. All blue-ish and purplely. Kairi would probably like it, she's into that girly shit._

"Do you have any idea how many sickos are out there? He's the step-brother you told Cloud about, isn't he!"

_I wonder where Cloud bought his cape. I mean. Really. I want one. Not that he wears it anymore...after the incident on Halloween and all. Maybe he'd give it to me...?_

"Yuffie! Are you listening to me! Even if he isn't related to you by blood, incest is a sin!"

Ooh yeah. That one snapped Yuffie out of her daze.

"AERIS! I am SO not attracted to my Step-Brother damnit! We are NOT on a date, incest is a sin, and is there anyway Cloud would ever consider giving me his old cape?" Eep. Maybe she should've kept her voice down. After all...Aeris did bring Yuffie into the corner, purposely away from Squall and the owner who were now staring at the two.

Yuffie grimaced slapping her forehead, while Aeris just blushed excusing herself.

"What was that all about? " Squall asked with a slight smirk once they were back in the car and heading home.

"Nothing. Just my friend and her delusional idea about me being attracted to you."Yuffie snickered.

Okay. Who cared if it was true? Aeris didn't need to know. No one did for that matter. She could probably tell Riku. Yeah. She'd tell him when he came over tomorrow. After all, a little jealousy was good for a relationship every once in awhile!

Frowning Squall glanced at her sideways, and the small item on her lap. "Please enlighten me why we're buying the very thing that 'burned your eyes until they exploded' as you called it."

"Are you kidding me?"She looked up at him as though he was the crazy person, and she was the one who was sane. " You really have to ask? Shit, Squall! This thing scared the hell out of me. Do you have any idea what it's going to do to my DAD?" She cackled.

Squall sighed shaking his head, his concentration fixated on the road. He wasn't even going to try and figure her out this time.

Even if he tried, he'd probably never understand it anyways.

A/N: End of chapter three! Like, ohmigee! This is the farthest i've ever gotten with a fiction! -blows off fire works- The trend is set! ...Eep. Sorry again. Reading over it, I didn't care too much for this chapter. More of a filler since I didn't have this ones back-bone down. I just knew they'd go to a shop, and meet Aeris. Anyways, review please!


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